It’s the Wrong Question
I want to share some information from my May 2 workshop, where I focused on how to think like a woman and negotiate like a man. Research shows that most women don’t like the idea of negotiation. When opportunities present themselves, women are less likely to negotiate than men are. Women immediately think that a negotiation is the same thing as a conflict. And in truth, no one, not men or women, want to jump into a conflict.
The right question is, “What is a negotiation?” A negotiation is a conversation about how to divide your resources, opportunities, risks and rewards.
If you think about negotiation as a conversation, instead of a conflict, you will take the edge off of it. Anxiety about conflict can lead to a lack of focus, confusion and even forgetting what’s important to you. People are more relaxed and friendly during a conversation, so you’ll improve your state of mind as well as your chances for successful negotiation by simply reframing how you see it.
Conversation – talking – on the other hand, is what human beings do. We talk to each other. How many of you are comfortable talking to a friend? A co-worker? A boss? Talking to people is something we do all the time.
While women have been taught to step back from negotiating for themselves to avoid looking selfish or asking for too much, we have also been taught many things that help us in the negotiating setting. For example, most women enjoy talking to people they like and are skilled at establishing rapport, listening well, asking open-ended questions to get accurate information, and have a natural empathy for others. All of these are skills that go a long way toward establishing trust and open communication, which are essential parts of successful negotiation. And research has shown that women are pretty darn good at multi-tasking, a talent that helps you see the big picture as well as the details.
Add All the Ingredients
Sadly, it’s not enough to establish rapport, trust, and open communication. You also need to draw on some of the “thinking like a man” skills as well. For example, don’t take things personally. In negotiation, you need to ask for what you need and what you’re worth, and you can’t feel hurt about hearing a No. It’s just business. But you can keep asking questions in order to get to a yes. A no is just an opportunity to ask more questions, like what would it take for me to…get that salary, get that promotion, be your business partner…
One well-known research finding about gender and negotiation found that when given a list of metaphors to describe negotiation, men overwhelmingly choose “winning a ball game,” while women chose “going to the dentist.” Gals, get in there and play ball. It’s an exchange. It doesn’t end after 1 inning. Keep going, keep the ball in play. If you don’t have a favorite ballgame (I do – it’s baseball. Go Yankees!) then what is the game you love to play? Get in the spirit of your favorite game and do your best.
ACTION STEP
My action step is that over the next 6 months, I am taking all my live workshops and moving them into a teleseminar/webinar format so I can make them more available to more people. Your action step is to keep reading and looking for my notices that some of these workshops are going virtual!
