A Fresh Look At Conflict Resolution
When disagreements escalate into conflict, it’s easy to get angry and blame the other person for causing the problem. Blame and anger unburden us of the responsibility for looking at our role in the problem or dispute. But – when we are able to accept that we may have screwed up, amazing possibilities of growth open up. Including the possibility of setting things right.
Think about a recent conflict you had with someone you care deeply about. Imagine standing in front of them and not knowing what to say or do. In one hand you are holding anger. In the other hand you are holding blame.
If right now I were to give you a gift, you would not be able to receive it with your hands full. You would have to let go of both anger and blame in order to take it from me.
Here’s my gift: a new way of thinking about conflict and difficulties with people you love, and a new approach to reaching reconciliation. It’s called Ho’oponopono.
Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and healing through forgiveness. The word means “setting things right.”
Ho’oponopono, along with other spiritual traditions, has powerful tools for healing and resolving conflict. A key spiritual tool in healing conflict is to own your contribution to the problem. And without blaming yourself or the other person.
Even better news is that Ho’oponopono also means “forgiveness in action.” Forgiving yourself and the others for creating harm or inflicting pain is fundamental. In the framework of Ho’oponopono, even the act of judging others for harming us contributes to extending the conflict and making it worse. Being able to recognize our capacity for judging others harshly and to stop is part of the reconciliation and healing process.
Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Ho’oponopono!
What’s the connection between Thanksgiving and Ho’oponopono?
Most people think that conflict is a problem, something that is disruptive, divisive, and dangerous. And somebody else’s fault.
When there’s a conflict, most people see themselves as the victim. They see the other person as the villain, the perpetrator, the one who is at fault.
And that is faulty thinking.
So what’s the connection between Thanksgiving and Ho’oponopono? Gratitude of course. Gratitude for being able to forgive others and to forgive ourselves. Gratitude for being freed from blame and blaming. Gratitude for letting go of the victim role and the chance to do all we can to set things right.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the connections between forgiveness, self-love and compassion for others. I’m looking at new tools to help people move out of conflict and onto higher ground, tools that help make ourselves and each other whole again. Ho’oponopono, a gift from the Hawaiian peoples, is one of those tools.
