One Client’s Story
Marissa is one of my clients, a university professor whose department chair keeps cutting her travel budget. As a well-known researcher and scholar, she presents papers and attends conferences in the U.S. as well as all over the world.
Despite Marissa’s reputation as an expert in her field, she says she is so disgusted with the politics in her department that she doesn’t want to raise the issue of her shrinking budget. She thinks she is unable to have any kind of negotiation success. She’d rather pay for it out of pocket. Despite her long-winded explanations that she won’t ask because she doesn’t want to get her hands dirty with nasty departmental politics, what stops her is her fear of speaking up for what she’s worth: she believes that negotiation is equivalent to conflict. Her belief sets her up for losing out on what she needs and what she deserves to support the extracurricular scholarship she does.
Her interpretation of negotiation as conflict is part of the “inside job” keeping her from successful negotiation. I can tell her that negotiation is a conversation. But her insides tell her negotiation is conflict. She is already setting the stage to feel anxious, wrong and helpless before the conversation ever gets started.
Beliefs and Feelings Go Hand-in-Hand
Your beliefs determine your feelings. Your beliefs about negotiation can predict whether you will successfully ask for what you’re worth or not. If you believe that negotiation is an opportunity to be curious, to practice your skills, and get what you need, then you are more likely to be successful. If you believe that negotiation is simply another word for conflict, then you will either sabotage your negotiation attempts or avoid negotiation altogether, just like Marissa.
The way you feel when you negotiate is closely linked to your beliefs. If you have a positive frame of mind, you’ll feel more confident. How do you feel about negotiation? Do this short exercise. It’s in two parts. Grab a pen and a sheet of paper.
Part 1: Close your eyes and imagine the next conversation you will have with someone where you will negotiate for what you deserve or ask for something outside of your comfort zone. It can be asking for flex time at work, negotiating a contract, or even something at home, like discussing vacation plans with your spouse.
Part 2: As you image this scene, what feelings come up for you? Quickly jot down your answers. Don’t judge or filter them. Just write them down quickly.
Now look at the two columns below. In which column do you find most of your answers? In Column A or Column B?
Column A
- Fearful
- Anxious
- Undeserving
- Selfish
- Guilty
- Wrong
- Embarrassed
- Shamed
- Angry
- Resentful
- Weak
- Helpless
- Scared
Column B
- Creative
- Free
- Helpful
- Honest
- Open
- Abundant
- Loving
- Confident
- Successful
- Generous
- Authentic
Column A describes feelings that lead to avoiding negotiation. Column B describes feelings that make it easier to negotiate.
Change Your Mind and Change Your Results
A little more background on Marissa: she is skilled at speaking about her work and persuading colleagues to take her research seriously. She speaks to hundreds of people at large conferences as well as in small workgroups with other experts. The assignment I gave her is to translate her speaking and presentation abilities into usable negotiation skills.
What’s the plan?
- First, she’s working on reframing negotiation as a conversation where she is an expert on her own needs and worth (just as she speaks as an expert on her research and findings).
- Second, she will draw on her natural curiosity that drives her scholarship, and she will apply it to her negotiation partners and the conversations she has with them.
- Third, she will use her presentation skills to help her department chair to understand the value she brings not only to herself but to her department and university by the work she is doing.
- Fourth, by reframing negotiation into a familiar context, that of “I’m presenting and explaining what needs to happen,” Marissa’s feelings about negotiation shift out of Column A to more of the feelings in Column B.
This kind of reframing is a big leap for Marissa but she is going to give it the “old college try” as she has been taught to do by her many years in higher education.
ACTION STEP
Identify 3 skills or abilities you already have and use every day at work or home. Write them on a sheet of paper. Next to each one, describe how you could apply that skill for negotiating for what you’re worth.
