Is Perfectionism a Disease?

I just returned from a women’s networking breakfast where the keynote speaker talked about perfectionism. On the one hand, there’s a lot to be said for having standards of excellence. Perfectionism, however, is a different animal than excellence.

I know perfectionism from the inside out. I lived with it and its debilitating side effects for many years. First, perfectionism makes you feel like your work is never good enough. Second, perfectionism keeps you working within your comfort zone as a way of managing your anxiety about screwing up, so you keep yourself limited to work you’ve already mastered. Third, not only are you overly critical of yourself, you also judge others harshly and quickly label anyone whose work doesn’t meet your impossible standards as incompetent, worthless and lazy, leaving you either alone or with partners who are equally judgmental.

Perfectionism and Her Traveling Companions

Perfectionism, unlike striving for excellence, comes with companions: fear of failure, procrastination and risk aversion.

  • Procrastination stops you from starting – whatever your goal or vision, you can’t begin. You may have the entire project worked out in your head but you’ll never put pen to paper, nail to wood, because perfectionism won’t let you move forward.
  • Fear of failure prevents you from posting your blog, sharing your book or talking about your great idea with colleagues, even when you’ve done a lot of the groundwork already, because you know someone is going to find the mistakes. You can’t bear the shame, criticism or failure associated with mistakes, even minor ones.
  • Risk aversion keeps you stuck because you can’t try new things, test your limits, or go where you’ve never gone before.

When I was younger, I didn’t understand that perfectionism was a problem. I simply thought it was the way “good” people lived their lives. If someone didn’t produce perfect outcomes, I believed they were lazy, stupid or didn’t care. I was harshly and pervasively judgmental. My addiction to perfectionism was less about excellence than it was about fear of the consequences if I didn’t do well…what would happen if I “underperformed” or “failed?”

A perfectionist is never good enough, feels like an imposter, and hides out to avoid being criticized. Perfectionism differs from striving for excellence because a perfectionist:

  • Needs approval from others instead of finding an inner source of approval.
  • Believes she’s not good enough.
  • Feels shame and cannot be authentic with others. Instead she hides behind the mask of perfection.

When I first started writing these posts, I edited each of them several times over several days. During these early days, I was recovering from my big accident and was on sick leave (one of the benefits of having a job) so the only deadlines I had were self-imposed. Once I recovered and my schedule was back to normal, that is, with other people’s deadlines, meetings, and projects taking up almost all my time, I had to figure out how to keep the newsletter/blog on schedule with print-worthy content.

The good news is that many years ago I looked my perfectionism straight in the eye which freed me to take risks: I left a job with a steady paycheck to follow more heart-based work, which ultimately led me to create Women in Negotiation, where I coach and mentor women to ask for what they’re worth and get it. I’m also more playful and willing to try things I have no training or basic skills in. For example, I’ve taken several art classes…something I would never ever consider if I were still tangled up with perfectionism.

If I Can Change, You Can Change

If any of this sounds like you, you can get out from under its control. Perfectionism is an addiction, more like an eating disorder than alcoholism. With alcoholism, you can stop drinking as a way of managing your addiction. An eating disorder is different: everyone needs to eat; you can’t avoid food. So how do you manage an addiction that in its normal guise is life-giving instead of life-draining?

Perfectionism is both a mindset and a behavioral pattern. Since you can’t stop either thinking or doing, you must learn to manage it. Like an eating disorder, we must manage perfectionism as it dances on the edges of our lives: we all need to work, to express ourselves, and to give shape to our dreams. And perfectionism isn’t just about writing a book. It’s about how you clean your house or cook a meal…it’s pervasive, that’s why it’s a disease. “Doing nothing” is not the solution.

What I did was use the discipline from my perfectionist side to manage the perfectionism itself. I decided it was time to change and I made it a project (I know some of you are jumping out of your seat telling me that I became a perfectionist in managing my perfectionism. No I didn’t do that, because I made the decision to remain conscious and mindful of what I was doing. Someone in the throes of addiction is not paying attention!)

Here are three of the things that helped me find sanity:

  1. I began to stay away from the friends who constantly judged and criticized other people, especially when those they were criticizing were other friends or acquaintances. I found new people to hang out with who spoke with concern and kindness about themselves and others.
  2. I learned to believe that mistakes were part of being human, that mistakes were an opportunity to learn, and that mistakes could open the door for serendipitous results. I read books, listened to New Thought sermons, and hung out with groups of people who were committed to change their behavior. Eventually, I internalized the new belief.
  3. I stopped seeing everything in black and white: Previously, I would swing back and forth believing either I’m wonderful or I’m nothing. I saw how paralyzed I was. If I had a goal, for example wanting to write a book, I saw that it was my black-or-white thinking that told me I need to write it right now and finish right now before I do anything else or I’ll never write anything because I will never find the time. The big change is these days I can write a page at a time and be at peace with the progress I’m making.

Right now, my work is to help women ask for what they’re worth and get it. I couldn’t even do that for myself while I was grappling with unattainable perfectionism. It’s impossible to confidently and clearly ask for what you’re worth until you heal your perfectionism.

 

 

 

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