Do You Believe Opposites Attract?

Is it true that opposites attract? Research shows that people are drawn to others with whom they have more not less in common. If that’s the case, where does all this relationship conflict about money come from?

It’s pretty clear from stories I hear from clients that most of us partner up with someone whose attitudes and beliefs regarding money are different from our own.

A New Way of Looking at Money and Relationships

Here’s my theory about why that happens. We all want to be our authentic selves; at same time we face obstacles on the journey to authenticity.

I believe we have a very clever little trickster inside that will do anything to wake us up to the parts of ourselves that we hide from: someone who’s terrified to spend a nickel on having fun is secretly longing to go on a shopping spree. The trickster may bring a partner into your life that loves to spend his money on travel, eating out and having new cars. At first you love it, but then you start hating it. And soon you’re fighting about it.

Here’s an example that is a composite of several clients:

Sara and her husband Jake frequently fight about money. They simply can’t agree on spending, saving, priorities and necessities. Sara is awfully frugal. I say awfully because she can be awful to the point of denying herself basic necessities, like new shoes because her old shoes aren’t totally worn out yet. Or a new winter coat, because it’s December and September is the month you buy new clothes!  Her behavior about spending money creates a feeling of deprivation that goes way beyond how she deals with money.

Sara has the same behavior patterns in other parts of her life. She doesn’t always let herself rest enough or eat enough fun food. (The same attitudes, beliefs and patterns show up in all parts of your life). So who does she marry – you tell me, it’s on the tip of your tongue. Someone who doesn’t save a penny and who feels justified buying the latest electronic gadget because, “I work so I get to buy what I want.”

This is a match made in heaven by Sara and Jake’s tricksters. Sara needs to loosen up and have fun with money. Jake needs to appreciate the value of saving money and planning for the future. Each brings to the relationship what the other can’t claim for themselves.

How Can Understanding My Relationship With Money Help Me?

Something I’ve heard over and over again: how you do money is how you do everything. We all deal with money on a daily basis and we all have some conflict when it comes to money. Cleaning up the energy in this area of your life will have a domino effect in all your relationships. If you have boundary issues around money…you have boundary issues in other areas. If you disempower yourself with money…don’t own your true intrinsic value…you will disempower yourself in other areas also.

For Sara and Jake, perhaps they will see the missing part of themselves reflected in each other. And Sara and Jake can dig deeper into their own learned attitudes and family legacies about money and learn how to integrate the comfortable as well as the scary parts as individuals . Taking both steps would go a long way toward resolving many kinds of conflicts, allowing them to be in true partnership around communication, chores, extended family obligations, sex, and money.