What The Language Of Love Teaches Us About Negotiation
The 5 Love Languages
First Frankie Lymon asked Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Now Gary Chapman asks why do we fall out of love? He helps us understand why couples can talk and talk and not resolve their problems. For example, despite your best intentions, your attempts to express how much you care about and love your partner isn’t going anywhere because you aren’t speaking in a love language she understands.
Chapman describes the 5 Love Languages:
- Words of Affirmation: compliments, kind words, encouragement.
- Quality Time: hanging out for extended periods of time.
- Receiving Gifts: a book, a small trinket, something handmade.
- Acts of Service: help make dinner, take out the trash, wash the car.
- Physical Touch: massage, hugging, pats on the back.
Chapman reports that seldom do partners speak the same love language. The problem is that most of us see the world from our own point of view. So if something makes you feel loved and appreciated, you immediately believe that your partner would feel the same way about a gift, compliment, or a hug. You give to others what makes you feel loved. Right intention … wrong result.
What the 5 Languages of Love clearly points out is that we are not all alike. Despite the many similarities you share with your partner, don’t assume that you and he speak the same language. Like you, your partner has one dominant love language, one of the 5 listed above. And if you want to communicate and be heard, that’s the language you need to use.
Negotiate Like A Lover
The language of negotiation is just like the language of love: you won’t get anywhere making the wrong offer, just like you won’t repair your marriage if you keep telling your spouse she’s beautiful when all she wants is for the kitchen faucet to stop dripping.
Most people will go into a negotiation and, if they prepare at all, will think about what they would like to get out of it. Only a few people (usually those who have taken negotiation training) reflect on what their negotiation partner would like to have as his or her best outcome. And even then, you need to ask to confirm that you are on the right track.
In negotiation as in love, your partner won’t value your offer unless it’s something they need and want.
- You can’t second-guess what someone else needs.
- You can’t assume that what works for you is what someone else wants.
- You must ask to find out what language your partner speaks.
Consider this:
Whether you are giving your honey a V-Day gift or figuring out how to seal the deal with a negotiation partner, you won’t get anywhere if your gift, offer or concession reflects what you want and not what they want or need. Remember, providing what is needed or wanted is showing people that you see them and esteem them.
