The 5 Languages of Love
First Frankie Lymon asked Why Do Fools Fall in Love?. Now Gary Chapman asks Why Do We Fall Out of Love? He helps us understand why couples can talk and talk and not resolve their problems. For example, despite your best intentions, your attempts to express how much you care and love your partner isn’t going anywhere because you aren’t speaking in a love language she understands.
Chapman describes the 5 Love Languages:
- Words of Affirmation: compliments, kind words, encouragement.
- Quality Time: hanging out for extended periods of time.
- Receiving Gifts: a book, a small trinket, something handmade.
- Acts of Service: help make dinner, take out the trash, wash the car.
- Physical Touch: massage, hugging, pats on the back.
Chapman reports that seldom do partners speak the same love language. The problem is that most of us see the world from our own point of view. So if something makes you feel loved and appreciated, you immediately believe that your partner would feel the same way about a gift, compliment, or a hug. You give to others what makes you feel loved. Right intention … wrong result.
What the 5 Languages of Love clearly points out is that we are not all alike. Despite the many similarities you share with your partner, don’t assume that you and he speak the same language. Like you, your partner has one dominant love language, one of the 5 listed above. And if you want to communicate and be heard, that’s the language you need to use.
Negotiate Like A Lover
Although Chapman writes primarily about marriage, let’s look at the 5 Languages in the context of negotiation.
Most people will go into a negotiation and, if they prepare at all, will think about what they would like to get out of it. Another group of people, a much smaller percentage, will think about what they’re willing to give up in order to make the negotiation work out. Only a small percent of people (usually those who have taken negotiation training) reflect on what their negotiation partner would like to have as his or her best outcome. And even then, you need to ask to confirm that you are on the right track.
For example:
- You are negotiating a contract with a new sales representative. Her name is Sally. You might be selling art, soap, printer cartridges, or ideas. Whatever it is, you are now very busy and you need a sales rep on your team.
- You’ve considered the value this new team member will bring. You have an offer in mind that you believe is appealing. There’s a basic income with a commission, and that’s a typical kind of arrangement.
- What you don’t know is that Sally currently needs predictable income. She might want take out a loan or cover bills that need to be paid on a pre-arranged schedule. Sally is leaning towards taking less money in exchange for a consistent paycheck, both in amount and timing.
- The offer you think is so great – the basic salary plus commission which you know will be big because your product is selling off the shelves these days – may be spot on for some other sales rep, but for Sally, that offer will cause her to hesitate. If she doesn’t feel confident speaking up for what she really needs, then you and she will not have a deal.
The language of negotiation is not the language of love but the same principles are at work: you won’t get anywhere making the wrong offer, just like you won’t repair your marriage if you keep telling your spouse she’s beautiful when all she wants is for the kitchen faucet to stop dripping.
In negotiation as in love, your partner won’t value your offer unless it’s something they need and want.
- You can’t second-guess what someone else needs.
- You can’t assume that what works for you is what someone else wants.
- You must ask to find out what language your negotiating partner speaks.
ACTION STEP
Consider this question: where are you making assumptions about what someone else (either at work or at home) wants and needs? Is it time to simply ask them what language they speak?
