Are You Prepared to Deal with Conflict?
Conflict – in the workplace, at home, in our communities and in politics – is a fact of life. Yet, despite its prevalence, many business leaders, men as well as women, don’t feel prepared to manage conflict. In a 2103 study from Stanford University, 43% of CEOs rated conflict management as their biggest area for personal development.
As a woman leader in a small or medium size business, especially if you work in a family-owned business, you face disagreements on a regular basis: between you and other decision-makers in the business, among your employees, with your clients, as well as with people that provide important services like banking, marketing, and technical assistance.
For many people, conflict is frightening. 
Your heart races, your palms sweat, and you feel flooded with uncomfortable emotions. You don’t know what to say or what to do, so you simply turn your back and wait for it to go away.
Fear Starts With Beliefs
The inability to deal with conflict easily and confidently can be traced back to your beliefs. If your basic belief about conflict is that it is threatening or scary, the feelings that arise are anger, despair, and confusion.
When you feel overwhelmed by anger, despair or confusion, you go on automatic. And someone who fears conflict will automatically avoid disputes or pretend they don’t exist, even those that are based on simple misunderstandings.
By not addressing disagreements and disputes early and directly, they will deteriorate and turn into persistent conflicts. When that happens, it’s more difficult for you to make decisions, take on new and innovative projects, and keep your team and employees motivated to do their best work.
Curiosity Instead of Fear
If so, it follows that if you can change your beliefs about conflict, you can change your automatic reactions, both emotions and behaviors. And changed behaviors will result in different outcomes, outcomes that are more effective, productive and wise.
But…you’ll have to change your fear-based beliefs first. Fear leaves no room for learning something new. Fear wants to confirm what you already know so you can stay hurt, scared or indignant.
Here’s your best alternative to fear, a different way of looking at conflict that leads to positive, constructive and beneficial outcomes: curiosity.
Curiosity – remember how surprising the world was once? Can you remember what it felt like to be open exploring the world? That’s curiosity. It wakes you up and lets you be receptive to new ideas and possibilities.
The important thing is not to stop questioning… Never lose a holy curiosity. Albert Einstein
Curiosity is about asking questions.
Fear-based questions look like this:
- Haven’t I told you over and over not to do this?
- Why are you doing this to me?
- Why are you giving me excuses instead of the work I’m expecting?
Curiosity allows you to ask new questions which open up the possibility of talking through problems and finding workable solutions:
- Is this a good time to talk with me about some concerns I have about how we are working together?
- Would you help me understand why … ?
- Putting yourself in my shoes, what would you say my concerns are (in this situation)?
If you want to be a better conflict manager, look at your beliefs and see which ones are getting in your way. Adopt curiosity, even for a week, and observe if you feel and act differently.
Here’s some encouragement: quote from Mary Oliver.
When I walk out into the world, I take no thoughts with me. That’s not easy, but you can learn to do it. An empty mind is hungry, so you look at everything longer, and closer. Don’t hum. When you listen with empty ears, you hear more…
This month as part of this series on getting past fears about dealing with conflict, I am offering 5 complimentary breakthrough sessions on how to get free of your fears of conflict. You can sign up here.
