Tell Me Your Problem
I’ve been a mediator for over 17 years both in private practice and for the court system. I’ve helped thousands of clients resolve business and workplace disputes, as well as family conflicts, often by helping them use effective negotiation and communication skills. In my experience, most people who come to mediation bring an inflexible mindset when it comes to conflict. It goes like this: “ X (the other person) is the problem. I don’t want to deal with this. I want you to fix it or make it go away.”
I’ve rarely (maybe never!) had a client come into the mediation session and tell me, “I’m feeling very creative today. I’m ready to start figuring this out.” In fact, this flexible mindset, that conflict is a creative opportunity for change and growth, is the secret Ingredient Number 5.
If you’re in the majority of people who look at conflict with the inflexible mindset that conflict is a scary problem, then most likely when you face a conflict with another person such as a co-worker, an employee, a supplier/vendor, or your manager, you worry that the conflict will lead to a loss:
- You’ll suffer damage to your reputation.
- You’ll lose the respect of bosses and colleagues.
- You may be humiliated.
- You may end up isolated or ostracized.
- You’ll lose control and autonomy over your freedom or your position.
- You may lose your ability to meet basic needs such as your financial security or family safety.
If you’ve ever had to deal with a conflict in which you felt threatened at the basic levels listed above, then your emotions may have gotten out of control. Like many clients, you feel threatened and react with:
- Anger
- Hostility
- Depression
- Vengefulness
- Rigidity
- Confusion
Another Definition of Conflict
The emotional states listed above grow out of the inflexible mindset that conflict is always a problem. And as you have experienced in both your work and family lives, when you feel angry, confused or rigid, your arguments get hot, your ability to solve the problem is blocked, and the relationship suffers.
Ingredient Number 5 is a reminder that there is a creative side to conflict. Conflict is a signal that something is out of balance – in the individuals, the relationship or the organizational setting that feeds the conflict. And, balance can be restored, as long as you are willing to reframe conflict is an opportunity for change and growth. Consider this alternative view of conflict as an opportunity to step up to:
- Courage;
- Flexibility; and a
- A “We” not “Me” frame of mind.
What do you need to do to tap into the creative side of conflict?
- First, let this new flexible mindset percolate. Just try it on for a few days: Conflict is an opportunity to be creative.
- Second, get your emotions under control. I know many of you have cultivated the ability to manage your emotions in most areas of your lives. Conflict is one of the places where our emotional self-management tends to fall apart. So draw on the skills you already have to maintain equanimity when you face conflict.
- Third, watch for a special call I will hold in February on the topic of “How to Turn Your Arguments into Conversations.” If you would like to get a notice with all the information about this upcoming call, enter your name and email into the “Subscribe” box below.
ACTION STEP
If you find yourself arguing without reaching any helpful solutions, ask yourself, “Where is change needed, in order to restore balance?”
