Women Are Natural Listeners
A lot of research has been published about how women find negotiating difficult. If you’re a woman reading this, then you have been told that you don’t speak up, can’t say no, and concede without a fight.
I confess: I’ve told you these very things in this column, when I’ve reported on the research on women and negotiation.
And there is truth in these research findings. When we look at the “speaking” side of communication, many women are at a disadvantage because of all the reasons cited above as well as some habits such as needing to be liked, wanting to be seen as nice, and trained to accept less.
One the other hand, great ideas come out of the second component of communication: listening. And that is the starting point for why women are natural negotiators.
Communication is more than speaking: while 30% of your time is spent speaking, 45% is spent listening. We all know that negotiation is a subset of communication. When you listen to understand the other person, something women are very skilled in, and you actually hear what is being said, you are gaining vital information that helps you shape the direction of the negotiation. Good listeners have a big advantage.
Are you afraid to listen? Many people are.
- They believe they will lose ground if they take time to listen carefully to what the other person is saying.
- Are you a good listener or are you listening so you know when you can jump in?
- Is your goal to have your point of view dominate (you’ve thought about it and you know you’re right!)?
- Or are you negotiating in order to find the best solution, the most valuable outcome?
It’s the listener not the talkers who is able to see how conflicting ideas could potentially be reconciled in order to craft better solutions. Maybe it’s biology, maybe it’s our hardwiring, or maybe it’s because we are expected to pay attention to what other people are saying, women are natural listeners. And a natural listener is a good starting point if you are ready to be one of the natural negotiators.
A Great Example
Recently, a client shared a win with me.
In a meeting with her two business partners, she found herself opposed to a marketing event the other two favored and were pushing to implement. Before working with me, she would have said OK to avoid “conflict” which in her mind was any strong difference of opinion. And she would cling to resentment about not having her say and not feeling respected. Or, she would swing to her other built-in response and become aggressive and use “ad hominem” attacks (you know what they are, when you hear yourself saying “you always” and “you never” and “why do you … have to be so secretive, need to be top dog, try to control everything I do…).
Now with a new mindset about conflict and negotiation, and more confidence in her ability to speak up clearly and be heard, instead of getting quiet and conceding, she stepped into a leadership role and proposed a solution the other two hadn’t considered – a marketing approach that combined the best of both of the ideas on the table. Instead of a limited either/or campaign, they agreed on a both/and solution. The result: a juicier, more innovative marketing campaign that pulled in more customers than in previous months.
The second result was internal: led by my client, the 3 business owners had a new kind of conversation. Instead of going with whatever the majority determined as the “best” proposal, they had some practice at a new kind of decision-making, something the company had been needing for a long time, a way to evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of each separate idea and creatively merge the best from each.
Instead of the dreaded “winner take all” debate, my client was able to lead the way to a “win-win” approach, a win for her personally and for the company as well.
Nothing creative happens when everyone talks and no one listens. Although women have been criticized because we don’t speak up enough, if you’ve been listening to what I’ve been saying in these columns, you’ve learned a thing or two about listening: when you’re not speaking – you are listening, synthesizing, and considering different points of view. That’s when you can speak up to help others see a new point of view, brainstorm a better idea, or hold a more productive discussion.
Next week, I will continue looking at how, in addition to good listening, women have natural strengths that can be built on in order to be more effective in negotiating, working with difficult people and resolving differences.
