Living Life on Autopilot
I’m fascinated by how often we are on autopilot and then wake up thinking “how did I land here?” It could be something big, like taking a job in a company where the values clash with yours, or getting entangled in a relationship with someone who is totally wrong for you. Or it could be something small like what I experienced on my Southwest flight to San Diego this weekend…something small but significant.
Thursday night, I flew with Jeff to San Diego. He likes the window, and I’m not fussy when it’s a short flight. I am sitting in the middle seat with an adult male on each side of me.
The seats on Southwest Airlines are better than the average airline seat so you can sprawl out a little. But guess what? Everyone’s comfy…but me. My elbows are pressed close to my ribs. The man on my left is spread out with a computer, a book and a newspaper, and he’s wearing headphones. The plane has wi-fi so Jeff is also plugged in and comfortably watching a TV show on his phone. By comfortable I mean he has claimed the 2 armrests just like the man on my other side.
I notice I have no armrest and I have squeezed myself into the smallest possible space. I point out to Jeff that he has both armrests and say I would like to use the one that is between us. It’s not a problem. He relinquishes the shared armrest to me. (This is one benefit of waking up to your automatic patterns – you get to ask for something you want!)
The Incredible Shrinking Woman
Less than 5 minutes later, I have abandoned the armrest, I am hugging my ribcage with my arms crossed over my chest, and my body is scrunched into the space inside the seat.
So I start over. I begin to spread out my limbs and sit up straighter. I reclaim the armrest – because when I constricted myself, Jeff expanded and he had automatically appropriated the vacant armrest. Again, no outside opposition.
15 minutes later, here I am again – needing to do it all over.
This in-flight comedy raised the question, is it me? One way to tell is to push against the limits of your comfort zone and see what happens. When “they” don’t push back, is it possible that perhaps it’s you who needs to change her behavior?
At the same time, I felt great that I recognized that I was on autopilot, because my awareness created the opportunity for me to choose how I wanted to behave, instead of letting my unconscious programming drive me.
Don’t Drink the Kool-aid
Where in your life do you need to take up more space? Do you relinquish your rightful space because you are on autopilot? Do you take up less space than you want, with your body, your gestures, your verbosity, your volume, your goals?
Do you hold on to unspoken but still powerful rules that keep you from living large? For some of us, it’s really old stuff about being ladylike (remember being told to keep your legs crossed?!?). What about rules about not speaking too loudly? Even the pressure to be thinner and smaller is part of the reason women don’t take up the right amount of space.
As adult women, we can say no to the Kool-aid that we were happy to drink when we were kids.
The first step in making any kind of change is becoming aware of what is currently going on inside of you. Take a minute and notice how you sit, stand, speak, and walk.
Today I have a request. Please post your comments below, where it says Leave A Reply. Many of you email me directly, and you know I love getting your personal emails. Today I would like everyone to benefit and learn from each other. So please put your insights, comments and reflections below, and thanks!
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Great article, Marsha! I find this to be so true! We “go along to get along” and then wonder why our needs aren’t met. And all along, there is freedom to express, to ask. We simply do not avail ourselves of the freedom. Yes there will be times where we get resistance but more often than not, that will not be the case. Brava to you for taking ownership and reminding us all to do the same!
I’m a short woman – 5’2″ and skinny when I started teaching the 5th grade many years ago. Many of the girls and a few boys were taller than me. I learned fast – almost instinctive to stand with a wide stance and with hands at my hips. Catch myself doing that still. Not taller, but wider as I age but lapse into that stance. I smile when I catch myself doing that as it works.
I find I enlarge myself and most folks make room, but also find that in doing so I STILL have to be angry to do it! But at least it gets done, where in my younger days – can I still recall them? – I would shrink.
Thanks for the article, Marsha!
I recently became more fully aware of something I have been doing for years: hunching over and not standing fully upright. I didn’t notice it until my personal trainer (a luxury I gifted myself) told me that I am bent over and have poor posture.
I always thought it was because I have a terrible core. Zero muscle tone in my stomach. But now that I’m lifting weights and getting stronger (yes!), I still hunch over. My 90-year-old mom has a bit of a hunchback and I could see I was headed in that exact direction.
So with my trainer’s coaching, I’ve begun being very conscious of standing up straight with my shoulders squared. I came up with a rather vulgar self-help tip for how to stand correctly: “tits out.” When I look in the mirror or confirm with others, I can see standing erect / tits out looks totally normal, if not attractive. When I go into hunch mode, I can see the negative effect is glaring. Yet, get this, when I started standing correctly, I felt 100% ostentatious.
I am pretty sure I began standing wrong around the start of puberty when my breasts began to develop. I was embarrassed. I think I felt they were too big (not – I’m a size 34) and I believe I started hunching in on myself to hide my budding womanhood.
Well, now I see the difference and several times throughout the day I remind myself “tits out” and I proactively stand up straight and force myself to acknowledge that I do look better and it is actually healthier for me.
And guess what? Almost all my life I thought I was 5 feet 5 inches. But now that I am standing correctly, the last couple times at the doctors I measured in at 5’6″! Who knew?! I actually gained an inch in height — yet so much more in self esteem. 🙂
I danced ballet (not in a company, only as a gift to myself) for a majority of my life and have been told I stand like a dancer. Yet, put me in a space with a male, I immediately shrink into obscurity and unimportance. I know this and yet I continue to do it. I’ll be more careful.
Great post, Marsha!
Thanks for this, Marsha! So many times I have shrunk in my airline seat. But I’m onto these guys now, the ones that sprawl all over their seats without a thought. I make it a point to get into my seat and stick my arms and legs exactly where I want them to be. Often, I feel the guy next to me press on a part of my body, not because he’s being sexual, but because he is just unthinkingly sprawling. When that happens. I tighten my muscles and remain in place, taking up exactly the space that I want to. I am not uncomfortable with physical touch so if he keeps pressing on me, I don’t care. I still hold my ground. I’ve never found a man who didn’t back off and I don’t even have to say anything.
I have a shamanic teacher who tells the women who study with her to “lead with your second heart” where one’s “second heart” is located midway between the heart and throat chakras. When I do that, I find I am lifting that part of my body to the sun, and I expand in joy and spaciousness.
I am still seeing where I make myself too small – often, I wait for an invitation, or I don’t reach out. There is a fine line between holding oneself back and maintaining one’s need for solitude. I’m working on not confusing the two.