My friend Doug lives in a duplex, a house divided into two side-by-side apartments. Each apartment has a yard, separated by a fence.
This week Doug emailed me a letter he planned to send to his landlord. His neighbors in the duplex have two noisy pit bulls. The dogs bark incessantly when the owners are at work. Additionally, he notes in his letter that the dogs have constant access to the backyard, and the fence around that yard is rickety and permeable. The dogs escape from the yard and bother other neighbors as well.
Many of the neighbors are fed up with the roving dogs, while the barking is especially disruptive for Doug because he works at home.
Since he knows that I help clients deal with difficult people, he asked me to read his letter before he sent it to his landlord. He also intended to give a copy to his neighbors, the dog owners. I enjoy Doug’s writing—his prose has an engaging rhythm and edges into poetry at times. He can also paint a very dramatic scene, and you’ll see in the examples below that his dramatic speculations are entertaining.
But his prose does not always get him the results he wants.
T.M.I.
Doug’s letter was several paragraphs long. There were a lot of extra words and thoughts: what I call embroidery. Embroidery works well in poetry, mysteries, theater…any medium where building suspense is the general rule. Not in a request to your landlord, however.
For example, he wrote:
When I called you a few months ago, there was only one dog. Now with the new puppy comes a constant escalating problem and I’m done with it. I hate to call animal control because it could get real ugly real fast and minimally, it’s going to cost the neighbors and the dogs a whole bunch of headaches. I’m not a fan of headaches but I’m less of a fan of screechy barking dogs that are home alone all day.
And here, sounding the alarm that he hopes will gain the landlord’s attention:
Two pit bulls running around a neighborhood? I don’t think anyone wants to see that happen. Look at that fenced yard. It’s a miracle the dogs don’t escape every day. One day, I hate to think what could happen.
Let’s K.I.S.S. Instead
Yep, keep it simple stupid. Let’s refine that advice just a bit.
Whether speaking or writing, your request must be clear, precise, and simple. Let’s unpack Doug’s letter a little further. The bulleted statements are my suggestions. Below them are excerpts from Doug’s letter that prompted my suggestions.
- Use precise, specific words—and avoid ambiguous words and phrases. Have you included the who, what, when, where and why? For starters, name the neighbors or give their actual address.
- Your tenants /my neighbor seem to think it’s okay to leave their side entrance door open since they have two pit bulls roaming their house and yard freely and unattended.
- Speak or write in simple sentences—don’t overcomplicate your request with too many words. Puppies are cute—this one isn’t, but the landlord won’t care about the dog’s personality.
- I work from home. My tolerance to barking dogs is about an hour. The neighbor’s dogs always go extremely far beyond this. When I called the other day, there was 5-6-7 hours constant barking, *both* dogs, not just the new puppy who, for some reason is terrified of everyone. That’s not a good sign.
- Doug wrote two requests which were separated by several paragraphs. Neither of these requests is a specific, doable action. And there is an accusatory tone behind the words. If you were the landlord, how would you respond? Put all requests in one paragraph and label them clearly: What I am asking is… Ask for a specific outcome or action that a landlord can take. Don’t criticize the person from whom you want help in solving the problem.
- This practice needs to cease immediately.
- I would like you (landlord’s name here) to own up and manage your tenant, expeditiously at that.
Be crystal clear about what you want the other person to do. First, make sure you have a clear understanding of what you want to happen. Then ask.
It’s not clear to me what Doug wants, except to have the landlord intervene in some way. Does he want the tenants to be evicted, the fence repaired, only one dog per household enforced, or something else.
I appreciate Doug’s allowing me to use his letter as a case study. It’s essential to use the right strategies when you need to persuade someone to do what you ask. I’ve always liked the question, “Would you rather be happy than right?” A slight twist of the question for today’s topic could be the following: Would like to see something change, or do you want to vent?
Try Some Self-Talk First
Here are some questions for you (and Doug) to consider:
- What do I want in this situation?
- What are the best words for me to use that will help the other person hear what I am asking?
- How can I frame a request so that it feels doable to the other person?
What if your request was not accepted? Did you state it in a way that could have opened the way to further discussion, or did your words cause the other person to slam the door in your face?
Remember to ask in a way that allows the other person to give you a definite answer. A clear response is one of the following:
Yes (hooray!)
No (now what?)
Or, a No with a counter-offer, something that the person believes can also meet the needs of the situation. A counter-offer is the beginning of a possible dialog leading to good outcomes for everyone.
Sincerely,
Marsha
P.S. A no is sometimes the first step in getting to yes. When you hear a no, ask yourself this question: What do I need to do so I can get what I need? Then, ask the other person this question: What do you need (from me) so we can resolve this problem?
P.P.S. Need more tips on how to ask for what you want and get it? You’ll find them in my book Perfect Pitch How to speak up for yourself in everyday relationships, now on Amazon.
