You can’t escape conflict. Anytime someone else’s actions interfere with getting what you need or achieving your goals, you will find the seeds of conflict. Those seeds don’t necessarily take root unless you water them. In other words, you can choose whether a disagreement turns into a conflict.
The only way to bypass conflict is to live without interacting with other people. And even then, there’s no guarantee that someone or some group won’t come crashing onto your property, claim your land, and attempt to take your little piece of heaven away from you.
The Conflict Continuum
I like to talk about the different ways people respond to conflict by referring to a continuum. Tyranny is at one end of the spectrum and collaboration is at the other end. As responses to conflict, tyranny and collaboration are diametrically opposed ways of working with others to resolve conflict. Tyranny is a unilateral response to conflict. When someone acts in a unilateral manner, they behave without regard to what others need and want. I like the description in Alcoholic Anonymous’ Big Book to describe the tyrannical approach to conflict: self-will run riot. When you’re in Tyrant mode, you want your will carried out, no questions asked. There is no room for discussion or collaboration.
Collaboration encompasses the buy-in and participation of everyone who is affected by the decisions and outcomes under consideration. Collaboration generally requires some kind of joint action to enact collaborative decisions. When you’re in collaborator mode, you’ll reach out to others, ask for ideas and inputs, and share your thinking in order to make the best possible decisions for everyone.
There are other points on the continuum: for example, avoidance, compromise and capitulation are other responses to conflict in business.
The Downside of Avoidance
I’m sure you’ve seen the phrase “conflict is unavoidable” many times. News Flash! It’s not true. Conflict is avoidable, and avoidance is a fairly common response to conflict. If you’re like most women, and that includes women entrepreneurs, your first response to conflict is to turn away or block it out. You stick your head in the sand; you look the other way.
Do you know where I put avoidance on my continuum? If you’re an Avoider, you may not be happy with my answer. Not too far away from tyranny. Think about it. How approachable are you when y
ou’re avoiding a conflict with someone? How likely are you to reach out and invite the other person to talk with you? Avoidance as a way of dealing with conflict contains some of the worst qualities of Tyranny and none of the harmony-creating qualities of Collaboration.
What do avoidance and tyranny have in common?
- Acting alone without regard to the needs of others.
- Refusal to listen to other points of view or allow people to respond to you.
- Disengaging from human contact, except to use people to carry out your will.
Entrepreneurial Leadership and Conflict
You’re the leader of your business. In every way and every day, you are the architect of what happens in your business. You set the tone and hold the vision for your team. You’re holding yourself accountable, and you expect as much from the people you’ve hired.
When you’re a conflict avoider, how do you manage the messiness of working with others? Because, whenever people work together, differing points of view, strong opinions, and yes, conflict, show up.
Bonus tip: Conflict can be a source of new ideas and creativity (more on that later in the month).
Most business executives prefer to steer clear of conflict. Even top CEOs prefer to avoid confrontations, according to an article in the Harvard Business Review. People would rather tolerate rudeness, insubordination, or even hostility than deal directly with a conflict.
The Conflict Avoider in Action
You have been well trained to keep conflict under wraps, keep people happy, and keep smiling. You’re expected to be empathetic no matter what. Maybe you’re afraid of being labeled aggressive, confrontational, or too bossy even in your own business!
How many of you have tried these conflict-avoiding strategies?
- Doing nothing and hoping the problem will magically correct itself.
- Lowering your standards or rationalizing why it’s okay someone didn’t deliver as promised.
- Smiling and saying nothing, not wanting to upset people.
- Noticing when something didn’t work and then fixing it by yourself, instead of communicating directly with the person whose work missed the mark.
Of course, none of the Avoider’s solutions work for the long-term. Avoidance creates a temporary peacefulness in your external environment—but it’s always at the expense of your serenity, inner peace AND the success of your business.
You can raise your leadership IQ by adopting a realistic understanding of the universal nature of conflict and, then, acquiring stronger, more flexible skills to deal with it. Mastering how to handle conflict well is one quality of great leadership.
The successful person has unusual skill at dealing with conflict and ensuring the best outcome for all. —Sun Tzu
If you’re ready to stop burying your head in the sand when conflict comes your way and instead show up as an assertive leader, stay tuned for a new program I’m offering in early spring. Be A Boss Without Being Bossy! Bolster your leadership skills to deal with conflict, manage difficult people, and have uncomfortable conversations with authority and grace. Never bury your head in the sand again!
In the meantime, here are some practical tips for dealing with day-to-day conflicts while staying in charge of your business and building a cooperative work environment that supports your goals.
Tips for the Conflict Avoider in All of Us
Believe in your vision: You’re the one unique individual who holds the vision for your business. The people who work for you or with you must understand the direction in which you are leading them.
Communicate your vision: When you communicate that vision to your staff or your team, they can unite around common goals and outcomes.
Measure outcomes: Set clear and measurable expectations. People need to know the results you want. Clear expectations make it more likely people will succeed. Expectations also help clarify the differences between job roles, so people are less likely to step on each other’s toes.
Clarify frequently and clearly: Check in with you team or staff on a regular basis. If someone needs clarification or help, you can intervene before there’s a problem.
Personality clashes in your business make it difficult to communicate and cooperate. Keep people focused on tangible outcomes to minimize conflict stemming from personality differences.
What You Can Do Now:
1. Answer this question: What’s in your way of handling conflict like the powerful leader you know you are? Post your answer in the Comments section following the blog post, or email me directly. I appreciate getting your questions and comments.
2. Share this blog post with someone you know who needs help handling conflict in their business or at work.
I am an avoider of conflict whenever it hints it could arise. I run like hell the other way as fast as possible. I know conflict can create growth and new ideas, but it is so uncomfortable to me that it’s my default – run run run!!!!
Hi Maddie thanks for writing. In my experience, it’s always a fear that stops us. Two things to consider: first, how would you like to respond, what would you like to say or do if you weren’t running away? Get clear on that first, even before considering saying or doing anything. Then, once that’s really clear to you and you have written it down, ask yourself what’s the worse that could happen if I say/do what I just wrote? Then ask yourself, what’s the best thing that could happen? Just by stopping and looking at this possibility can start to break up the “running away” response.