Expectations have consequences.

It’s impossible to have no expectations. It’s how we’re wired. A little child is living in all of us, the part of us that wants what it wants when it wants it. Because that childlike part of ourselves can also be the source of creativity and spontaneity, we don’t want to erase it. But, when we have too many expectations of other people, we get disappointed. Unless we can be realistic about what other people are able to give to us, we’re bound to be disappointed.

We need our own standards of behavior, but when we impose them on others, we will be disappointed.

Without much effort, disappointments morph into resentments. We justify our resentments by talking about them with anyone who appears sympathetic. Continually rehashing and repeating our complaints feeds our inner turmoil and obsessive thinking. Instead, we can look at the source of our resentments—our expectations.

Understanding the basis of our resentments increases our self-awareness and flexibility when it comes to other people’s words and actions. Without cultivating self-awareness, we’re unable to see beyond our “rules” and or evaluate a situation with objectivity. Instead, we see ourselves as victims of someone else’s behavior. If we are willing to dig down deep enough, we can identify our buried expectations about that person or situation.

Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. ―Anne Lamott

Another component of expectations is anticipating that others will do things the way we do them. Are you ever angry or frustrated when your partner or child “cleans” the bathroom? You’re expecting spotless and sparkling, and when they are finished, the bathroom seems barely germ-free. There is unconscious self-centeredness in all of us that sets standards for how our loved ones should behave. That should is: Do it my way!

One of my favorite discussions of avoidable disappointment is Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. Chapman explains that couples who genuinely care about each other often misunderstand how to show their love—because they are unaware that their partner speaks a different love language. For example, you feel truly loved when you and your honey spend uninterrupted time with each other. Your partner believes the best gift to give you is to repair the small things in the house that annoy you – fixing a broken window, replacing the showerhead, etc. Your partner is wholly engrossed in completing chores with the intent of making the home more comfortable, and you’re steamed because they’re not cuddling next to you on the couch!

Don’t assume that what is essential for you has the same significance for someone else.

Childhood as the source of expectations

I inherited most of my expectations from my family. I grew up in a household with rigid expectations and unpleasant, often harsh, consequences for disobeying them. These expectations were rules not requests. It was sensible to adopt them, no questions asked. I’ve worked to let go of many things that don’t serve me in my current life. But two of these ingrained expectations turned into pet peeves—don’t be late, and get your work done before you go out to play.

For example, whenever my family went on a day trip to the shore, our parents expected the children to get dressed, packed, and ready to go a few minutes before leaving the house. Punctuality was a family rule. I’m not surprised that I expect people to be on time. But, I am surprised when people are late.

Work superseded play. For example, if my mother expected me to come home right after school, then I went directly home. Maybe my mother needed me to babysit or help prepare dinner, so I would go home instead of getting pizza with my girlfriends. On weekends, before we could play or hang out with friends, we had to do our chores. There was no leeway. Not surprisingly, I internalized that expectation. While my compliance made my parents’ life more manageable, it hampered my ability to be spontaneous and just have fun. Even now, I hate leaving my house to go to a movie if there are dirty dishes in the kitchen sink! This rule is so ingrained, I have to do some serious self-talk with my inner child to assure her it’s okay to go out and have fun even if the bed is unmade.

Here I was in 2019 with a playbook of outdated, worn-out rules about the way things should be. It was time to let it go. So I decided to take a big leap and see what life would be like without expectations.

My Year of No Expectations

I decided to move through the year without expectations of how other people would behave. I reread The Surrender Experiment: My Journey into Life’s Perfection by Michael Singer, one of my favorite books. One of my main takeaways from the book was that having no expectations made life easier. I don’t mean to suggest that Singer’s life was a series of random events. Not at all. He writes primarily about his business. And with a business, there are specific actions that happen: you start a business, you look for clients, you do the work, you get paid, you look for more clients, etc. Living without expectations is not about living randomly. It’s about living with the intention to take care of what is right in front of you. Singer lives each day one at a time, whether life is unfolding smoothly or tumultuously. He does what is in front of him, day by day.

I found my life was easier when I allowed people and circumstances to be what they were and not try to change them. I was able to say, “Oh, that just happened,” instead of lamenting “Why did this happen to me” or “What can I do to fix this situation?” The observer’s “Oh” is actually a very peaceful place to be. Before you can be the observer, however, there is some work to do.

Before you can release your expectations, you need to understand what they are. It’s necessary to become self-observant. To understand your ingrained expectations, you have to take the time and find the patience to become self-aware. Usually, our expectations are out of our awareness until we’re disappointed. Then, we’re painfully conscious of them. The work, the practice, is to notice those expectations before they’re left unmet. For example, I’d go to meet someone for lunch, and I’d tell myself, “If they don’t show up, it will be okay. I’ll just see what unfolds.” I was choosing to live in an open-ended way, allowing for the possibility of something unexpected

You have to understand the expectations you bring with you into your relationships. As you now know, I expect people to be on time. For me, this is an old expectation, and I put a lot of importance on it. But it can prevent me from thoroughly enjoying what is going on in the moment.

On Christmas Eve morning, I headed over to Christina’s house. We have plans to join her neighbors to make luminarias, which will decorate the streets for the holiday. Her text said to come between 9:30 and 10 am when the work of putting the sand into the paper bags and placing a small candle in the center of each luminaria would begin.

I’m running late this morning, but I do my best to get there at 10, which in my mind is the ‘deadline.’ When I get to Christina’s, she is making breakfast for her family visiting from a town further north. She is also cooking food for Christmas Eve dinner. It will be quite a while before we join the luminaria makers.

In fact, when we do join them, about two hours later, everything is done. The luminarias are assembled, and a couple of the men have put them on the back of a truck and driven through the neighborhood setting them out. All that is left is going to someone’s home for posole.

Instead of spending time setting up the luminarias, I got to know Christina in a brand new way. I spent time with her family on a special holiday. I shared in their tradition of making special food for Christmas Eve. A surprising gift of bonding with someone when all I had expected was to be out in the freezing cold stuffing paper bags with sand!

Lessons Learned

Life becomes easier. When you release your expectations of other people, you let yourself off the hook as well. You start to understand that whatever shows up in your life can be a path for self-realization and personal growth. When your plans are falling apart, or things are moving out of your control, you will feel discomfort. And that discomfort can be a signal that there is an opportunity for personal growth available to you. You can be open to what arises instead of trying to force things back into the mold of your expectations. You learn to not take things personally—people aren’t deliberating inconveniencing you or thwarting your plans. People are just going about their lives, and that’s what you should do. Relax some of those expectations (this is a great time of year to practice letting go) and stay open to the possibility of something wonderful and unanticipated coming to you.

Happy Holidays!

Would you say having no expectations is an optimistic point of view or a cynical perspective? Why? How could practicing no expectations improve your life? Please post your answer in the Comments section on the blog page.