What do you think of when you hear the word negotiation? Typically, we focus on the significant one-time events, like buying a house, asking for a raise, hiring a contractor or staff member, or setting fees with clients. But in reality, many, even most, of our daily interactions are negotiations.
Negotiations Happen Every Day
You use the same attitudes, skills, and knowledge (ASK!) for substantial, weighty negotiations that you use in daily conversations. The stakes may be smaller, the negotiation partners may be friendlier, and you m
ay be more comfortable asking for what you want. All the same, every time you ask for what you want and need, you are negotiating for yourself. And you are flexing some pretty important (and probably underused) muscles.
Negotiation is not like riding a bicycle. You can just hop back up on the bicycle seat and off you go! Negotiation is different: you don’t sit down at the negotiation table and have an instant familiarity with what to say and how to say it. If you want to do a great job negotiating for yourself, you need to practice.
As a woman, you have been trained to be helpful to others, not to burden people to go out of their way for you, to do things for yourself, and not ask for help. You don’t ask for simple things that would make your life easier – because often you don’t know if it’s okay to ask, and your “asking muscles” are weak.
An Example of a Low-Risk High-Value Negotiation
Here’s an example from my life of how to practice in an everyday situation. I often buy larger quantities of fish and meat than I use at one meal. I would bring my purchase home and divide it into the portion sizes I would use, and freeze them. These days, I ask the person behind the counter to pack my purchase in the quantities that are useful for me. I make a simple, explicit request: “Would you mind wrapping each half-pound separately?”
My example in the previous paragraph is a low-risk, high-value everyday opportunity to ask for something that makes my life easier. It’s high-value to me because it saves me time, and I get to keep my ‘asking’ muscles in shape.
9 Breakthrough Strategies
Here are 9 breakthrough strategies that will scale down your fears and boost your confidence so you will not run away from negotiating for what you want.
- Learn to say no. Remember, No is a complete sentence. To warm up your negotiating muscles, say no to somebody at least once a day.
- While “no” is about what you don’t want, a skilled negotiator knows what she does want. Knowing what you want is tricky for many women. To get more in touch with what you want and need, ask yourself this question: “What would make my life easier, right this minute?” You might want a cup of coffee, you might want to call your sister, or you might want to hire a web designer. The goal here is to identify something you want.
- What you want may not be what someone is offering to you. There’s a big difference between saying yes to someone’s offer and knowing from the inside out what you need, and then hearing the offer, and then deciding if that offer works for you. Got it?
- Practice disappointing people (Oh no!). Start with item 1: Learn to say no.
- Understand that negotiation is about trading what you have for what you want and that not everyone will get everything he or she wants.
- You can be caring and empathetic and concerned about the welfare of the larger group. Still, you can’t look after the other person’s needs. Learn to take care of yourself first. Since I already know you are a nurturing, loving person who wants to be fair, I am going to be extremely loud here: You Must Take Care of Yourself First.
- Find and negotiate one small thing a week. Practice with low-risk opportunities. Ask the butcher to wrap your purchase in small, useful quantities. These practice negotiations don’t have to be “won.” That’s why I call them “low-risk.” They are not life or death situations; they are opportunities to warm up your muscles.
- Avoid weak language such as the kinds of “filler words” you hear other women using: “Well, I think I would like to have this wrapped maybe in smaller packages.” Or, “I’m hoping we could, is it possible we could meet earlier? I mean, I need to start earlier if you can…” Additionally, don’t explain why you need something. Although sometimes it is appropriate to present your why, more often, it only confuses the other person. I hope you’ll try this, because you may find out how often you are hedging when you ask for something you want.
- Learn the basics of how to negotiate. Many of the blogs on my site are about negotiation basics and tips. Additionally, my book Perfect Pitch is an excellent companion to help you overcome your fears about asking for what you want.
Start Practicing Today
What is one opportunity to practice your negotiation skills today?
Asking for a refund for a product that’s not what you needed? Deciding who is cooking dinner tonight? Leaving work early to attend an art opening? Requesting a client pay an overdue invoice?
These examples are everyday opportunities to practice and polish the art of asking for what you want and getting it. Don’t wait until there’s a crisis, an emergency, or an unexpected expense.
Do you have a question about how to ask for what you want? How to negotiate confidently and get what you need? Or how to talk with a difficult person? Post your question in the Comments below, and I’ll answer you. Two other ways to ask me questions: Email me…if I can answer you in an email, you got it! Or, join my Facebook Group and ask me questions there. Here’s the link to join: Courage to Ask Facebook Group.
